NEW CHAPTER

            I found my most recent journal buried in between old books while cleaning my room and reorganizing my stuffs. I have not written anything in it for many months now and obviously, more blank pages are desperately in need to be filled in. The last time I wrote was dated September 2010. I used to write only when I am in despair and frustrated. My thoughts whimsically transcribed only reflect my insecurities and bitterness, and not having the courage to confide it with someone else, my diary has become the shock absorber, the silent witness to all my miseries in life. I want to write again, but those entries get in the way. I’ve had enough of negative life scripts, of self-defeating thoughts about myself.  So I tore those few pages to have a fresh look at my journal. So I am beginning to write again, and  promise that I will be writing less of my grievances and more of what will motivate and inspire me during the day.

             Certainly my blog needs a little revamp as well. My last entry was made two years ago. I have a backlog of unfinished stories which I could not publish yet for lack of words to say. I mean, I am too preoccupied with what was happening to me that time that writing about them means opening myself to unwanted criticisms. I was such a thin-skinned. Perhaps I was not ready to disclose who I really am- a weakling. This time though, I wish to do better and steer clear from negativism and irrational musings that only hamper my growth as a person.

              So what about the new chapter in my life? It is now year 2012. It marks a year of renewal for me. A year of self-reinvention, of becoming a new person. But that does not happen overnight. I still acknowledge the fact that new more challenges, heartaches and defeats will come to test me. I am very much aware that I am in the midst of the biggest battle in my life so far- that of passing the bar and becoming a full-fledged lawyer. (When the right time comes, I also intend to reserve a blog entry entirely on this subject- my struggles during the college of law days, the nerve-racking recitations held by formidable law professors and the rigorous, mind-shattering study of the law to name a few). I just hope and pray that all my efforts (and my mother’s sacrifices) will pay off. Anyway, the result of the bar exam is reported to be released end of February or early March. I am hoping for the best and bracing myself for the worst comes that “judgment day”. For now, I remain hopeful, knowing that, whatever be the outcome, the Lord God will not forsake me and that He has something else in store for me. Actually I had a bad dream that I failed the test. In that dream - so real as it seems - I kept reassuring myself that it was alright and I would still have another chance to redeem myself. Romantic it may be, but that is exactly the kind of attitude I want to take on for the rest of the year.

              Another thing that concerns me these days is to find a job that I will consider as a career for a long time. I am thinking of a fallback suppose I don’t pass the bar (I am just being realistic). So I distributed a number of applications letters and resumes to several employers, mostly in the government agencies where I wish to work someday. I am choosing the government service for a number of reasons, one of which is apparently for financial security, with all the benefits attached to the tenure and all. However, that does not mean I have lost all my idealisms. I will never. The thing is, corruption takes place everywhere; it is up to us to allow ourselves to be consumed thus, or to be an agent of transformation and development that our country hopes us to be. As far as I am concerned, I choose the second, but for now I need to get a real job soon.

              So begins the new chapter in my life. I want to start it right as well as end it right. A line in a famous song goes: “Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see…” True enough. Now the song keeps on playing inside my head as I wait on the future to unfold itself.