HANGING IN THE BALANCE

        I am literally counting days this time. It was about 2 weeks ago when I received an unsolicited text message that the Bar Examination results will be released sooner than I expected. Thirty four percent (34%) of the examinees have made it so it says. From that day on, I felt fidgety most of the time wondering whether the purported percentage of those who passed the bar has justified the dubious modification in the sort of examination administered to our batch – the 60% MCQ-type and 40% legal-opinion-writing-and-memorandum-writing-type of the exam. Much to the gusto of most bar candidates (I am having a reservation to include myself), this was made effective and so some, if not all, took the exam as though taking a college entrance test. It goes without saying that it was quite challenging although I suppose some examinees would be surreptitiously celebrating victory which is yet to be proved until the publication of the results thereof.


        Clearly, what concerns me is whether or not I pass the bar, period. Along with the six thousand or so bar candidates flooding the grounds of UST all the way to the rooms designated for them, I was just an anonymous hopeful. I sought not a banner from my humble school waving in the air wishing all the best for its own “barristers” (unlike other schools staging grandiose commendations for their bar candidates on the roadside). Neither did I seek the presence of some friends and family members who insisted in going to the examination venue on the first and the last Sunday of November only to see me dog-tired after the laborious task of hurdling the bar. I only sought the help of God Almighty to give me courage and to uplift the dignity that is left in me to proceed with the test amidst all the blunders I committed along the way.


       Yes, while taking the exam, I couldn’t help but remember all the blunders I committed during my days in the college of law. All the embarrassing and outrageous moments in the classroom while trying to articulate some provisions which I have yet to process in my shrinking brain were all prowling inside of me, dispossessing me of the little confidence I have in myself. Of course these are all exaggerations, but the thing is, you can only do so much when people around you are highly expecting that you will make it, putting you on the pedestal and calling you “attorney” even before you see your name in the roster of newly-passed lawyers. Thoughts like those make me feverish these days. I don’t know how I will be handling the situation comes the “judgment day”.


       But I remain hopeful. My life may be hanging in the balance right now but I remain as hopeful as I can be. What comes next is still something that I have to figure out. May God grant me the strength to accept whatever be the outcome.

NEW CHAPTER

            I found my most recent journal buried in between old books while cleaning my room and reorganizing my stuffs. I have not written anything in it for many months now and obviously, more blank pages are desperately in need to be filled in. The last time I wrote was dated September 2010. I used to write only when I am in despair and frustrated. My thoughts whimsically transcribed only reflect my insecurities and bitterness, and not having the courage to confide it with someone else, my diary has become the shock absorber, the silent witness to all my miseries in life. I want to write again, but those entries get in the way. I’ve had enough of negative life scripts, of self-defeating thoughts about myself.  So I tore those few pages to have a fresh look at my journal. So I am beginning to write again, and  promise that I will be writing less of my grievances and more of what will motivate and inspire me during the day.

             Certainly my blog needs a little revamp as well. My last entry was made two years ago. I have a backlog of unfinished stories which I could not publish yet for lack of words to say. I mean, I am too preoccupied with what was happening to me that time that writing about them means opening myself to unwanted criticisms. I was such a thin-skinned. Perhaps I was not ready to disclose who I really am- a weakling. This time though, I wish to do better and steer clear from negativism and irrational musings that only hamper my growth as a person.

              So what about the new chapter in my life? It is now year 2012. It marks a year of renewal for me. A year of self-reinvention, of becoming a new person. But that does not happen overnight. I still acknowledge the fact that new more challenges, heartaches and defeats will come to test me. I am very much aware that I am in the midst of the biggest battle in my life so far- that of passing the bar and becoming a full-fledged lawyer. (When the right time comes, I also intend to reserve a blog entry entirely on this subject- my struggles during the college of law days, the nerve-racking recitations held by formidable law professors and the rigorous, mind-shattering study of the law to name a few). I just hope and pray that all my efforts (and my mother’s sacrifices) will pay off. Anyway, the result of the bar exam is reported to be released end of February or early March. I am hoping for the best and bracing myself for the worst comes that “judgment day”. For now, I remain hopeful, knowing that, whatever be the outcome, the Lord God will not forsake me and that He has something else in store for me. Actually I had a bad dream that I failed the test. In that dream - so real as it seems - I kept reassuring myself that it was alright and I would still have another chance to redeem myself. Romantic it may be, but that is exactly the kind of attitude I want to take on for the rest of the year.

              Another thing that concerns me these days is to find a job that I will consider as a career for a long time. I am thinking of a fallback suppose I don’t pass the bar (I am just being realistic). So I distributed a number of applications letters and resumes to several employers, mostly in the government agencies where I wish to work someday. I am choosing the government service for a number of reasons, one of which is apparently for financial security, with all the benefits attached to the tenure and all. However, that does not mean I have lost all my idealisms. I will never. The thing is, corruption takes place everywhere; it is up to us to allow ourselves to be consumed thus, or to be an agent of transformation and development that our country hopes us to be. As far as I am concerned, I choose the second, but for now I need to get a real job soon.

              So begins the new chapter in my life. I want to start it right as well as end it right. A line in a famous song goes: “Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see…” True enough. Now the song keeps on playing inside my head as I wait on the future to unfold itself.

Shifting Sand

MY OZ ADVENTURE

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I have always been ecstatic about traveling. It is one of the few moments that I feel really alive getting to see picturesque landscapes and panoramic views along the way. My greatest travel adventure so far was the trip to Perth, Western Australia together with my mom last April 2010. The feeling was quite exhilarating that, even for a short span of time, I got to experience and fulfill the "Australian" dream. Thanks to my brother, an overseas worker, who financed our plane tickets and all. Here are a few captivating snapshots of the western part of the Land Down Under where we had a month-long vacation blast!

SUFFERING

I always have the desire to come out of any trial or ordeal completely unscathed and in full form. But that is farthest from the reality. We learn from people of all sorts, from those who rose from the gutter or those who managed to rise above their circumstances. We learn from the boxer who, before winning his title as the greatest boxer of his time, has to endure several cuts and bruises he sustained in several boxing competitions. Or from a soldier who, while being in a combat, fights till he loses a limb or two and yet truimphs over the enemies in the end.

No one gets out of the trial succesfully without first experiencing failure. No one becomes a victor without first becoming a victim. We all go through "little deaths" each time we face difficulty. Interestingly though, when we realize the purpose behind those defeating experiences, we learn to transform them to something quite liberating. And so we strive to outdo ourselves and be better than before. I occassionally come across stories of ordinary people who went through untold sufferings but because of their determination, courage and unwavering faith they were able to survive them all. I believe it can happen to anyone, because we are all given another opportunity to redeem ourselves after losing many battles.

As Victor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist said, "suffering ceases to be suffering, to some extent, at the moment it finds a meaning". A true survivor is one who seeks meaning behind his suffering, and, as soon as he realizes it, he moves on to accept it wholeheartedly but keeps in mind that the battle is not yet over. He continues to master his craft, improves himself, and reflects on the lessons he has learned from defeat. And all these he does with love for love furthers him to conquer his weaknesses. It gives him the reason to do what is right. It encourages and strengthens him to continue to fight a good fight even if there is a slim chance for victory. After all the battle is not yet over until we die... or better yet, until we surrender in self-defeat.

The meaning of suffering takes a real form in the words of Paulo Coelho: "The fear of suffering is worst than suffering itself... no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity".

the warrior

here comes the man wearing a victor’s crown


his face radiates brightness like the rising sun

heavily tested; loads over his shoulder

armed with nothing but faith that doesn’t falter.

here comes the man who hopes to endure

all kinds of battle so powerful to ignore

in the midst of struggles, his body weakened;

but his spirit fought strongly to the end.

there the man stands at the peak of the mountain

hands raised up, arms wide open

as the breeze cools the bruises on his face

his perseverance is rewarded with amazing grace.

thus the man became a warrior for the rest of his life

fighting battles with renewed character and might;

but what makes him truly strong and wise

is not the number of experience but a heart purified.

wounded healer

An embodiment of virtue that she is
And of beauty that never fades;

The hands scarred by the knife of olden times

Is the selfsame hands that mend the broken and injured.

Oft she travels incognito

Set off on a trip along the road less traveled;

To somewhere, she leaves neither fame nor riches

But footprints indelibly marked on the faithful’s land.

Countless times has she braved storms-

Though many a storm have maimed her paltry frame;

She persisted against the course of the wind,

She persisted for the love of her calling.

Then came her calling that preaches of a promise,

That restores ruined walls and streets without dwellings.

Her untiring hands, her indomitable spirit

Won the hearts of the seekers of love and justice.

But one may ask in utter wonderment

How did she come to be

A healer who takes pride in nothing

and walks with an air of mystery?

Perhaps the mystery that the healer reveals

Is naught but the affliction she’s endured.

For who else can speak to the wounds of the afflicted

But the healer who is wounded herself.

lordiaz_05@yahoo.com